


The Substitute Teacher

by Geoduck



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hellsing
Genre: Gen, Gets more dramatic later, Humor, More characters to be added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-07 11:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geoduck/pseuds/Geoduck
Summary: Once again, Hogwarts has lost a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Until they can find a permanent replacement, a certain organization is happy to lend them a substitute.





	1. A substitute arrives

At breakfast, Hogwarts was abuzz. The "Defence Against the Dark Arts" professorship was vacant once again.   
  
Hermione sighed. "This is beginning to become tedious."   
  
"Maybe, but what did you suspect?" said Ron. "Have we ever had a Dark Arts professor that lasted long?"   
  
"No, but they usually last most of the school year. This one didn't last one full **day** until he... how did it all go, Harry?"   
  
Harry recited from a parchment he had been reading. "'Possessed by Voldemort, attacked by dementors, struck on the head by a stray bludger, cursed, jinxed, and leg-humped by Fluffy.'" Harry put the parchment down. "Frankly, I'm surprised he survived to resign."   
  
"So who do you suppose..." Hermione was interrupted by an announcement from the head table.   
  
Professor Dumbledore spoke. "Students of Hogwarts, good morning. I'm sorry to inform you that Professor Totfleisch, our Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor, has elected to return to his former position at Durmstrang. While we hope to quickly find a..." Dumbledore made the quotation marks sign with his fingers. "...'permanent' replacement from our list of qualified suckers-I mean, applicants-we do have a temporary substitute who should be arriving this morning. Thank you, carry on."   
  
The chatter in the hall instantly turned to speculation about the temporary professor's identity. "You don't suppose it might be Lupin? Or Moody? The real one this time."   
  
Ron grunted. "Forget it, Harry, you know we aren't that lucky. It's gonna be someone who wants to kill us.”   
  
Hermione looked at her schedule. "Well, we've got double D.A.D.A. for our first class today, so it looks like we'll find out soon enough."   
  


* * *

In the Defence Against the Dark Arts clasroom, the Gryffindor and Slytherin students were waiting on tenterhooks for their new professor's arrival.   
  
Curiosity was so strong that even though the class was ten minutes late in starting, not one student had even suggested the idea of sneaking out.   
  
The door opened and Dumbledore walked in. "Oh, everyone here already? Good, good. Professor, this way, please." He stood at the rear of the classroom and motioned the new teacher forward.   
  
"But I'm not a professor, sir" came a voice that was suspiciously female, high-pitched, cute and sexy.   
  
And as she walked in, her figure fulfilled all the promises her voice had made. Her hair was blonde and short, and just untidy enough to appeal to man's baser instincts. She was not tall, but her figure was far from petite.   
  
Ron was agog. "Take a look at those, er... owls" he said sotto voce to Harry.   
  
"Yes... nicest owls I've ever seen."   
  
Hermione had a blank look on her face for a moment before she worked out the math (Owls hoot... therefore Owls = Hooters). After which, she gave both Ron and Harry a good smack on the back of the head.   
  
"Hey! That hurt! Anyway, what's that weird thing she's wearing? It looks muggleish."   
  
"Looks like maybe an Army uniform?"   
  
"No, Harry, they don't have miniskirts in the Army, do they? It looks more like a police uniform to me."   
  
The teacher faced the class. "It's a little of both." Harry and Hermione jumped a bit... they thought they had been speaking inaudibly. "Hello, boys and girls. My name is Seras Victoria. I'm here on loan from the Hellsing Organization to teach you how to defeat certain magical creatures."   
  
Hermione had her hand up. "Yes, you there in the front."   
  
"Professor Victoria... are we going to be using our wands today?"   
  
"Wands? No, sorry, no. I won't be teaching you magic today or at any time."   
  
This statement caused quite a bit of consternation. From the rear of the room, Dumbledore spoke up. "Miss Victoria is not, in point of fact, a witch. She is, however, very qualified in... alternative means of defense. Carry on, Miss Victoria."   
  
"Thank you, Professor. Right, then. Our first topic is ghouls. My preferred means for fighting ghouls is the 30 mm 'Harkonnen' Cannon, but it's a bit tricky to use since it's a single-shot breech loader. Practice makes perfect, though, so we've put together a makeshift firing range. Let's get down there and get started, shall we?"   
  
Class would never be the same again.   



	2. Making a strong first impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogwarts learns about the efficacy of non-magical combat. Some students learn that it is sometimes wiser not to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (original chapter note from 2008)
> 
> "I never intended this to be a multi-chapter story, but I was so gratified at the positive reviews I received that I simply couldn't leave it at that.
> 
> This is just a vignette, and I can't promise that I'll write any more, but I hope you'll enjoy it."

A stunned silence fell briefly on the class.   
  
Malfoy was the first to find his tongue. "Are you suggesting that we should defeat magical creatures not with spells but with... gums?"   
  
Hermione smacked her forehead with her palm. "That’s  **not** the right word,” she muttered through clenched teeth.

Seras looked ill-at-ease. “There are a wide variety of methods of self-defense…”

“Tell that to a troll,” came a shout from the Gryffindor side of the classroom.

Hermione held her hand up. “Professor? Far be it from me to agree with people speaking to you so  **rudely** ,” she glared across the room, “...but they  _ do _ have a point. How are we supposed to defeat magical creatures without magic?”   
  
Dumbledore spoke up again. “If I may, I believe that you all may be underestimating Miss Victoria's alternative means. Perhaps a demonstration of the efficacy of her methods might be in order?"   
  
Seras nodded. “Right. Any volunteers? You can use absolutely any kind of magic against me, and I won't use any weapons at all.” She flexed her fingers. “Unarmed combat only.”   
  
“Anyone who can defeat… no, anyone who can score a hit on Miss Victoria will win 100 points for their house,” Dumbledore said.   
  
A dozen confident hands shot up. Seras pointed towards one. “You first. ‘Malfoy’, is it?”   
  
Quickly, a space was cleared, with students clustering around the edges in order to get a good view from a safe distance. Malfoy stood at a ready position, his wand brandished for combat.   
  
Across from him, Seras stood with arms akimbo. “Right, are you ready, Malfoy? Start whenever you want. I won't do anything until you start.”   
  
Malfoy breathed in deeply, then began his incantation. “Lo-”   
  
Almost faster than anyone could see, Seras had crossed the space, swept Malfoy's feet from under him, then from his back, pulled his arms behind him. She pinned his arms, along with the rest of him, to the floor, with her knee in the middle of his back.   
  
“There. Now, can you move, Malfoy? If you can't, then make absolutely no movement.”   
  
The young Slytherin, face flushed with humiliation, lay still.   
  
“Right.” She released him, and helped him off the floor. His body was trembling slightly as he made his way over to Crabbe and Goyle. “Anybody else want to try?”   
  
This time there were no volunteers.   
  
“Super. So, in the weeks I'll be teaching, you'll be learning armed and unarmed combat, the care and use of firearms, and elementary marksmanship. It's not enough time to learn everything, but you should get the basics of self-defense. Any questions?”   
  
Ron raised his hand. Seras looked at him. “You there, redhead. What's your name?”   
  
“Ron Weasley. Miss Victoria... are you a veela?”   
  
Silently, Hermione dope-slapped him on the back of the head.   
  
“Am I a  _ what _ ? I don't know what that word means, but it sounded rude to me. Professor Dumbledore,  _ was _ that a rude comment just now?”   
  
Dumbledore nodded. “It could be interpreted thus.”   
  
“Right then. Weasley, I'll have a special job for you. I'm going to teach you all how to use tasers, and you just volunteered to be my  _ special assistant _ for the demonstration.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was revised somewhat from the original version - upon re-reading it, I didn't like the rhythm of the language. I think this version is an improvement.

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely the most popular story I ever wrote, it's time to (a) bring this one to ao3, (b) make some minor fixes to it, and (c) start working on it again... Maybe actually finish it.
> 
> So anyway, this chapter was originally meant as a one-shot spamfic that I wrote and published in January 2008. I received many requests to continue it, which I did on an irregular basis.
> 
> This is primarily a humor fic, but some slightly dramatic bits find their way into later chapters.
> 
> Please enjoy.


End file.
